In relationships, the question “Are you there for me?” is critical. This simple, yet profound, question encapsulates the essence of secure attachment and emotional connection in relationships (romantic and platonic). Dr. Sue Johnson, the founder of Emotion Focused Therapy, an effective model for couples therapy, created the A.R.E. concept. ARE represents three key components that shape healthy relationships: Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement. When people have a high level of A.R.E. in their relationship, there is increased trust, greater connection and higher ability to successfully navigate stress and conflict together. You can also take an A.R.E. assessment of your relationship here. Losing a pet is a profoundly emotional experience. The relationship we share with our furry friends goes beyond words; they become cherished members of our families whom we have the privilege of spending thousands of hours with. In fact, there are many positive physical and psychological health benefits to owning a pet, and so it’s understandable that our mental health can be so impacted after this significant loss. For example, some pet owners report experiencing symptoms of anxiety, depression, and trauma due to this loss. We hope this guide will help you navigate the complex emotions that arise during this difficult time.
Accessibility: Can I Reach You?
Accessibility is about being emotionally available. It means your partner can reach out to you and feel your presence. It’s the assurance that, in times of need, you are within emotional reach. This doesn’t mean being physically together all the time, but rather that you are emotionally open, present, and interested in being a support to them.
Signs of Accessibility:
- Open Communication: You listen without judgment, helping your partner feel heard and understood.
- Emotional Availability: You are able to hear, validate and respond to your partner’s emotions, even when it may feel difficult or uncomfortable.
Consistent Presence: Even when physically apart, you maintain emotional closeness through regular check-ins and expressions of care.
Responsiveness: Do you Respond when I need you?
Responsiveness is about how you respond to your partner’s emotional needs. It’s not just about hearing their words, but understanding their feelings and reacting with empathy and support. You demonstrate that their experience has an impact on you, which creates a sense of reliability, trust, and security. You respond when your partner is sharing both positive and negative experiences.
Signs of Responsiveness:
- Empathetic Reactions: You acknowledge and validate your partner’s feelings, showing that you understand and care.
- Supportive Actions: You offer help and support when your partner is in distress or need, reinforcing the bond of trust.
Emotional Attunement: You are tuned in to your partner’s emotional state, recognizing their needs even when unspoken.
Engagement: Are you emotionally present with me?
Engagement is about the depth of your emotional involvement. It means being genuinely interested in your partner’s inner world and investing in the relationship. This is a special kind of attention that you only give to a loved one.
Signs of Engagement:
- Active Participation: You actively engage in your partner’s life, showing interest in their experiences and feelings.
- Quality Time: You prioritize spending meaningful time together, strengthening the emotional bond.
Affectionate Expressions: You regularly express love and affection, reinforcing the sense of being cherished.
Next Steps
If you are struggling with having the level of connection, safety and trust you would like in your relationship, the following options may be helpful:
- Reading a book by Dr. Sue Johnson or Dr. John Gottman – two highly respected couples researchers and therapists (we recommend Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson and The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver).
- Attending couples counseling with your partner
- Attending group counseling. Group therapy provides a social laboratory to practice interpersonal relationships and increase your understanding of yourself and others
Written by Dr. Jennifer Martin and Hannah Martinson, counselors at Sage Wellness in Gainesville, FL. At Sage Wellness, we provide couples, group, individual and family therapy for residents in Florida. 2025.