All kids have tough things that happen in their lives. It can range from getting pushed down on the playground to being in a scary car accident and more. Inviting children to use storytelling is an effective way to help them integrate difficult situations to promote healing and emotional growth.
Dr. Dan Siegel is an expert in brain development and in how to support children make sense of events, emotions and their developing brains. He explains how they have an “upstairs brain” that can think through things, and a “downstairs brain” which is more about uncontrolled reactions. They also have a “right brain” (emotions and sensations) and a “left brain” (awareness of facts, events and use of language).
As caregivers, one of our jobs is to support children to help them INTEGRATE these brain parts which may be interacting chaotically as a child develops. We can help our children create more harmonious, regulated experiences by helping them make sense of the things they have witnessed or experienced. This helps avoid traumatization, anxiety or depression symptoms, when scary things happen to them.
An example that Dan Siegel gives in his seminal book, The Whole Brain Child, is that of Marco, age 2, who was in a car accident with his babysitter, Sophia. Someone called 911 and the babysitter was taken away in an ambulance. Over the course of several weeks, Marco would say, “Eeah, woo woo.” His mother knew he was remembering how Sophia (Eeah) was taken away in the ambulance (woo woo). She supported her son to integrate the memories and experience of the traumatic event. She supported him to retell the story through the use of verbal mirroring and acknowledgement, by describing the experience and naming the likely feelings.
Mom: “Yes, you and Sophia were in a car accident, weren’t you? That was scary, wasn’t it. The car hit another car, and there was smoke.”
Marco held out his arms and started shaking them.
Mom: “Yes, Sophia had a seizure, her body was reacting to being in the car that crashed into another car. You might have felt confused about why she was doing that.”
Marco: “Eaa woo woo”
Mom: “Yes, you heard the siren of the ambulance that came to help her and take her to doctors at the hospital. That was scary too, huh, seeing Sophia be taken away?”
His mother did not try to distract, advise, or encourage him to change his feelings. Instead, she helped him retell the story with empathy and validation, and suggested words to help describe his experience. This is an example of how we can support our children to learn about what is happening inside of them, and to safely talk about life’s tough events. It is also helpful to follow up with a reassuring, true, statement, like: “Remember when we went to visit Sophia yesterday? She is feeling better and better.”
If you have a child that is a little older, it can be useful to ask open-ended questions. This allows the child to explore their experience, reassure them you are trying to understand and listen, and are ready to stay with them throughout the processing. The act of a caregiver deeply listening to what happened, and supporting a child to tell their story, is so powerful in providing an emotionally corrective experience and in reprocessing a difficult event.
The parts of the brain of a young person do not fully form and integrate until adulthood, and so by attuning to their experiences and helping them to discuss and connect, they develop healthy ways of processing their feelings and learning what they are. In the future, this helps support the child to better understand their emotions, not push them down or let them take over their nervous systems. As caregivers and allies, we have a role in supporting children’s harmonious neurological development, and these ideas will help strengthen bonds and teach lifelong tools of emotional health.
Written by mental health counselor at Sage Wellness, Kathleen McKee in Gainesville, Florida. 2024